On this week’s Breaking Bad, Jesse Pinkman, with his own fresh buzz cut, pulls out the shears and begins shaving heads in his meth den, which is just about exactly what showrunner Vince Gilligan has been doing since the series premiere. Ever since Walter White endured chemo and shaved his head to become Heisenberg, Breaking Bad has ruled as the baldest show on television, a bare-skinned ball of shiny bullet-heads, chrome domes, cue balls, Skeletors, and Baldilocks. What does it all mean? Does meth make your hair fall out? Are these handsome bald eagles just so good-looking that at some point their unstoppably handsome faces inevitably colonized the tops of their heads? Or do these clean-shaven and barely stubbled styles indicate that these Mr. Cleans are, in fact, spiritually dirty on the inside? Ahead, we rank the melon-head morality of Breaking Bad’s buddhas and use our Bald-o-tron to calculate these slicksters’ moral evil, on a scale of Gandhi to Voldemort.
Roles: Nearly unstoppable homicidal forcesThe Look: The Yul BrynnerWhat their balditude says about them: “We will not be distracted, not by a hairbrush, or shampoo, or even conditioner. And especially not a ponytail holder, like that freak Tortuga we decapitated.” 
The Role: Meth manufacturer, antiheroThe Look: The Captain PicardWhat his balditude says about him: “I have reached a level of logical enlightenment beyond follicles.” 
The Role: Drug OverlordThe Look: The Butch(er)What his balditude says about him: “The stubble disguises my true, bad baldness. It’s sensibly sadistic.” 
The Role: Wheelchair-bound drug cartel paterfamiliasThe Look: The DroolerWhat his balditude says about him: “I may not be able to speak, but under this shiny dome — very close to the surface, actually — is a huge brain. And I see you!” 
The Role: Patsy hired by Saul to take the fall for WaltThe Look: The Generic Cue BallWhat his balditude says about him: “You hair-having people always think we look alike. Well, fine, then: I’m Britney, bitch!” 
The Role: The fixer.The Look: The StathamWhat his balditude says about him: “I’ve got bigger shit to worry about than parting my hair.” 
The Role: Meth manufacturer, go-cart racer The Look: BuzzedWhat his balditude says about him: “You got a problem with this, bitch?” 
The Role: Gus’s overambitious right-hand manThe Look: The Vin DieselWhat his balditude says about him: “Sure, Gus, I’d love a shave. That’s a little close, though. Ow! Glug.” 
Roles: Tuco’s two henchmen.The Look: Psychopathic Cue Ball (Gonzo), Grating Sandpaper (No Doze)What their balditude says about them: “We’re in this together, down to our last follicle, even if we die in this junkyard, with me crushed under this car and you bleeding to death with your arm pinned, James Franco–style, beside me.” 
Role: Jesse Pinkman’s slain dealerThe Look: Mister t (lowercase)What his balditude says about him: “Landing strips aren’t just for ladies.” 
The Role: Jesse’s buddyThe Look: The Self-Hater (He always wears a hat.)What his balditude says about him: “Oh man … I was so high last night, I think I smoked my hair!” 
The Role: DEA agentThe Look: The Bruce WillisWhat his balditude says about him: “I look like a giant penis. And act like one too.” Breaking Bald: The Hidden Morality of Breaking Bad’s Many Chrome DomesncG1vNJzZmivp6x7t8HLrayrnV6YvK57kWloamdgbXyjvsSaoqKml5SvorjDZ5%2BtpZw%3D