The ObserverCultureGay sex disgusts me. Am I prejudiced?
I feel I have offended my gay friend and I want to know if my opinions are prejudice or normal. Despite liking someone regardless of their sexuality, I find the thought of sex between two men quite abhorrent (I am a heterosexual woman). I do not, however, find the idea of two women together abhorrent (although I wouldn't want to do it myself). I tried to explain that I felt it was a preference, not a prejudice, but he disagrees, believing that I think gay men are disgusting.
L.R., London
If you have expressed your feelings as bluntly to him as you have here, I'm not surprised he has taken offence. If any friend of mine told me he thought my personal life was disgusting and abhorrent, I too would review the friendship. Everybody likes to think of him/herself as eternally lovable and admirable, and it's amazing how people can do so in the face of all the contrary evidence. If we saw ourselves as others see us, most of us would be permanently, terminally depressed.
For a person's self-esteem to be confident and sturdy, there needs to be a lengthy process of laborious construction, with reinforcements of approval received at regular intervals from one's friends. This is why, at vulnerable periods of one's life, like adolescence, it is so important to conform to the peer-group image. Stand out from the crowd and you'll risk rejection, with a demolition job on your carefully built edifice.
Many gay people go through life in such a state of insecurity, dependent on friends of all types to prop up their shaky self-belief. This is not an area where issues can be discussed with cold logic. The joy or misery of the moment is instantly affected by approval on the one hand or derogatory comments on the other.
Human sexual activity is peculiarly secretive and, as a result, we have many mixed emotions about others' sex lives, ranging from prurient curiosity to prudish revulsion. We'd rather not think about our parents making love, and young people think sex between old people is disgusting. If we were sexually liberated, like some chimpanzees, we wouldn't have all these problems.
As it is, humans have developed elaborate rituals of courtesy and correctness that serve to protect our more sensitive feelings. You may not be prejudiced towards homosexuals, but your frankness was indelicate and impolite. You should extend your tolerance and fine-tune your sensitivity. It's very likely your gay friend would find the thought of you engaged in heterosexual intercourse distasteful, but he's far too courteous to say so.
Readers; replies
It's not your fault if your friend can't distinguish between physical and moral distaste. As a gay man, I shudder at the thought of sex with a woman and am equally repelled by the idea of eating tripe or performing brain surgery. Yet I have nothing against people who do these things. If your friend prefers politically correct lip-service to sincerity you should consider how well you are matched as friends.
R.C., Perth
No, it is not homophobic per se to find unappealing the thought of gay male sex. But consenting heterosexual sex is generally above judgment, hence a gay person will rarely take kindly to a straight person commenting on his/her lovemaking. I suggest you say sorry and then let it drop. He'll get over it, we all do.
G.S., London
Next Week's Dilemma
Ten years ago, I finished a long-term relationship with a man who meant an awful lot to me. I am now happily married with two children.
However, for some nostalgic reason, I recently instigated an email correspondence with my old lover and we have begun to write regularly. He is also married and lives a long way away so it is unlikely we will ever meet.
The correspondence is nothing more than friendly but I feel as though I am betraying my husband. I enjoy reliving old memories with my ex-lover, but should I stop writing?
A.V., Portsmouth
Write to Observer Review or email margaret.cook@observer.co.uk Views on each week's problem to reach us by Wednesday. Margaret Cook writes for Woman's Journal
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