Someone tell North that her mum is making TikToks without her again and this time, Kim Kardashian is giving us a tour of her office, while jumping on of the app’s latest trend.
Swanning through the floors of her custom Rick Owen-designed space, showcasing the most extravagant objects in her office, Kim is giving Oliver in Saltburn energy. All that’s missing is a Sophie Ellis-Bextor soundtrack and a rogue willy.
To be fair, some of the tour's highlights are even more shocking than that bathtub scene. I mean, never did I ever think that Kim Kardashian would use a sunbed in this day and age. The revelation of that makes the silver sculpture of her brain seem normal.
In case you never get called to a meeting at Casa Kim, here’s what you’re missing:
1. The sunbed
Perhaps the most shocking revelation is that Kim has a “tanning bed” in her office. The same Kim, who infamously said, and I quote, “If you told me that I had to eat poop every single day and I would look younger, I might. I just might.”
Kimberly, you’re telling me you’re willing to adopt the diet of a dung beetle, but you’re not willing to quit the thing that causes skin damage and increases your chance of skin cancer?
To quote Ron Weasley, “She needs to sort out her priorities”.
Oh, and no, before North comes for me. As per the NHS, sunbeds aren’t a recommended treatment for psoriasis (the skin condition Kim suffers from).
2. A mannequin with her custom measurements
When you think about this one, it does make sense. After all, Skims is a clothing company, and Kim does have regular fittings.
It just concerns me that lying around the office are all the parts you need to make a life-size replica of a Kim doll. What if it becomes sentient? We’ve all seen I, Robot. I think we can agree, we don’t want a sequel. Sorry Will, I know work has been quiet since ‘the slap’.
Just imagine waking up to an AI Kim telling you, “Get your arse up and work”. It doesn’t bear thinking about.
3. A 2015 cover of Glamour magazine
While some of us might have a framed photo of a loved one on our desk, in her office, Kim has dedicated an entire wall to herself.
Is this not the self-love energy we should all be aiming for? Should I print off my best selfies to remind my colleagues that I don’t always look like a blancmange with hair?
Unfortunately for me, I don’t actually have any colleagues, but if I’d appeared on as many magazine covers as Kim, I’d be framing them all too.
Glad to see the 2015 addition of US Glamour made it. We're flattered.
4. A 3D model of her brain
All I can think about is how and why Kim got a 3D scan of her brain and who turned it into a silver sculpture. Was it a present? If so, was it from Rob? He doesn’t strike me as the best gift giver.
I can only hope that her nephew Mason appears on an episode of The Antiques Roadshow in 40 years’ time, asking for a valuation and answering my questions in the process.
5. A 3D model of her private plane
I don’t know what kind of vendetta Kim has against David Attenborough, but she just can’t stop boasting about her carbon-spewing private plane.
I now need to know if Kim Air has an inflight magazine where you can also buy your own replica plane or maybe a teddy bear with her aviation logo.
Whatever you do Kim, just don’t gift one to Greta Thunberg.
6. A TV wall
Imagine doing a Zoom call with Kim’s team. It must be like seeing yourself on a Times Square billboard.
Forgot to blur your background? Well, the entire Skims team and probably half of Los Angeles, just saw your airer. Littered with M&S high waist briefs, no doubt.
I’d have to hire my own glam team to cope with the high definition of it all. Actually, scrap that. I’d hire an actor to replace me instead.
7. A red-light therapy bed
Another reason to arrange an in-person, rather than a virtual meeting with Kim, is to make use of her red-light therapy bed.
Unlike the awful sun version, there are a whole host of health benefits from using one of these. Including treating acne, healing skin, reducing inflammation, and speeding up post-exercise muscle aches.
8. Her very own SKKN Shrine
According to the Collins Dictionary, “A shrine is a place that people visit and treat with respect because it is connected with a dead person or with dead people that they want to remember.”
Perhaps, then, it’s a bad omen that Kim has a shrine dedicated to her SKKN skincare line…
9. An entirely custom Rick Owen’s designed space
She’s Kim Kardashian, of course she’s not going to have grey carpet tiles and primary coloured blue office chairs. What she will have instead, is an entire space designed by the iconic fashion designer, Rick Owens.
Now that is iconic.
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