Pickard of the popsPop and rockThe Colombian pop diva indulges in a spot of lycanthropy in her new video, pioneering a weird and wobbly dance style. And all from inside a giant vagina ...It's funny, just when you think there's nothing new to be seen in the world of music videos, along comes, er, Shakira. Her single She Wolf has been praised to the stars, but I think we should also preserve the video for posterity. Why? Because it's awesome.
Werewolves are hot property at the moment, and from the moment the full moon shines through the bedroom curtains you get the sense that this song might be another addition to the werewolf canon. Well, that and the howling. And the fact the song's called She Wolf. Those are also some good clues.
Shakira is seen getting out of bed, standing in the moonlight and growing the kind of nails that makes you wonder how she goes to the lavatory, since pulling her knickers up would risk multiple lacerations. Yet, even though she has fingertips like a set of fancy knitting needles, Shakira manages to lace and buckle two boots. This is a sure sign of her power.
There are, certainly, questions to be asked about the half-a-catsuit she's wearing (such as "What happened to the other half-a-cat?" and "What if she's just put it on wrong? Is she going to turn round only to discover there's an extra arm hanging off her backside?") but these questions will be swept away by the one that comes up once she's pushed her way through these coats.
Which is: why is she dancing inside a giant vagina? If that is a giant vagina, of course, which, let's face it, it probably is.
But here, in the ruby innards of some gigantic sparkling snatch, lies this video's magic. It's all in Shakira's moves.
Where you might usually associate her with a particularly sexy strain of bellydance, Shakira here offers a contemporary anti-dance, all jolts and jittering, awkward yet extremely controlled, somehow beautiful but distinctly odd – like a spider with hiccups.
Four of her signature moves in this section include (clockwise from top left)
a) The Malleability Indicator ("These rounded areas are squeezable") b) The Lady Garden Steward ("In the event of power failure, small lights will guide you here") c) The Lesson in Stomach-Purging for Self-Starters (No idea) and d) This Is How My Puppy Wees.
And before you have time to take all of that in, we move into a whole new scenario:
One in which Handy Bendy Diva has lost the half-catsuit entirely (and replaced it with a full nudesuit instead, which might be worse).
She has, however, been caged. Like a wild animal. Perhaps a wolf.
This is a song about wolves, you know. In theory, at least.
But mainly, it's about Shakira and her crazy moves.
Look, she's bending over backwards to impress us. Or just because she can.
Which, let's face it, is pretty impressive. And not content with impressing us, Shakira takes her half-a-cat-suit, and goes down her local club with it.
Where everyone – understandably – gives her a wide berth.
Which probably has less to do with what she's wearing and more to do with the fact she's dancing like someone's wired a lizard up to the mains.
When she's not showing random people her shoes.
"Look at my shoes!"
In a cage, which is the same kind of cage where one would keep a wolf, even a she wolf, if there was one to be found anywhere in this video …
Yes, there it is. There's the wolf. It's even a she wolf, as demonstrated when it is seen obliquely turning into a crawling woman. Not a crawling woman who is also Shakira, but we'll let that pass.
Shakira has a lot on her hands. Too much to deal with actually being a she wolf. She's busy doing things like:
Top left: Demonstrating her ability to raise her bottom independent of the rest of her anatomy.
Top right: Sleep floppily upside down, like a wet bat.
Bottom left: Dislocate both her arms at will and still be happy.
Bottom right: Be attractively pooped.
And understandably pooped. Because she's been working jolly hard at being weird and jerky.
But, her hard full-mooned night over, she apparently returns home, and to her normal self.
As we find her, dancing in something resembling a dress against something resembling dawn over the San Francisco skyline. Or at least an unconvincing green screen displaying that.
Shakira goes back to bed. Her work is done. Her panting, thrusting, spasmodic work. The work of, perhaps, changing people's perceptions about music videos forever. Or, perhaps, not. Regardless, the fact remains: the moves contained in this video are not the kind of thing you see every day. Unless you are in the business of corralling lobsters using only electric cattle prods and baby oil. In which case: good luck to you.
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