In theory, there was no way the This Ain’t Glee XXX porn parody wouldn’t be terrible. Cheesy singing, wholesome student-teacher relationships and unwanted teen pregnancy, all filtered through the lens of hardcore pornography? Luckily, that theory was absolutely correct.
This Ain’t Glee XXX is the worst porn parody I’ve ever seen, and it might be the worst thing I’ve ever seen, period. I say this as both a fan of Glee and a fan of pornography, one of which I’m ashamed to admit publicly.
Let me first answer your immediate questions: yes, there is singing. Yes, most of it is bad. No, they don’t sing real songs, they sing parody, sexually-themed versions of real songs. Yes, the lyrics to these songs are written by a thousand blind morons. Yes, I was fascinated by these scenes.
This Ain’t Glee XXX begins with “Sue Sylvester” telling “Will Schuester” that if “Principal Higgins” doesn’t have the glee club’s setlist for sectionals by the end of the day, they’re “over.” A reasonable plot, considering the real Sue Sylvester’s endless plots to destroy the glee club.
What’s not reasonable is the actor they cast as Will Schuester, who looks like Dermot Mulroney if Dermot Mulroney’s parents were siblings. This is the best comparison I have ever made. Also unreasonable is the weird racism inherent in casting a non-Pakistani actor in a Pakistani-helmed role (Principal Higgins) yet having this non-Pakistani actor speak with a Pakistani accent. Off to a great start, everyone.
Anyway, Inbred Dermot asks the glee clubbers for help with the sectionals setlist, to which “Rachel” (a bare-bones impression by Andy San Dimas, otherwise known as Marge from The Simpsons: A XXX Parody) of course has a few suggestions. This spotlight-grabbing pisses off “Mercedes,” and the two quickly find themselves in a duet parody of “Fat-Bottomed Girls” called “Big Tushy Ho’s”, where they’re kind of sing-arguing over which one of them fucks the best? It’s a very vague parody. Okay fine.
But THEN, halfway through the song, they pull out their boobs and start playing with their nipples! While singing! In front of everyone AND their teacher! And suddenly “Emma” the guidance counselor sticks her head in and gets turned on so she flashes her butt and Inbred Dermot makes this face which I hate more than anything! Oh god, the whole thing is so fucking incredible and weird. You guys should absolutely watch it.
From here we cut to the hallway, where “Tina” (the Asian girl) gets Slushie’d and goes to the bathroom to clean up, which of course necessitates taking off her shirt AND bra. Enter Sue Sylvester, who quickly initiates the creepiest sex scene ever. She puts Tina’s hand on her strap-on and tells her if she’s “willing to play ball, [Sue]’ll back off the glee club.” So just to be clear, what we’re seeing in this scene, is Sue Sylvester sexually assaulting a student in exchange for leaving her favorite extra-curricular activity alone. Yikes, This Ain’t Glee XXX.
Also, at one point Sue sticks her whistle inside Tina, pulls it out, makes Tina blow it, and says “Game on.” The worst. This is the worst.
Next up we cut back to the practice room, where “Brittany” and “Santana” pull a double-team on “Puck” with the actually-pretty-sexy line “We do everything together.” This scene is good, I’m not gonna lie. Everyone’s attractive, the positions are fun, no one’s being forced to blow a strap-on by a trusted adult. Plus, their cheerleader pom-poms end up doubling as dildos, and I found that to be quite clever.
On their way out, they pass Inbred Dermot and Rachel, who don’t seem to notice that the practice room now smells like lubricant and sweat. Rachel sluttily tells Inbred Dermot that she’ll do “anything for a lead.” Inbred Dermot doesn’t take the bait, but that won’t stop Rachel from fantasizing about him!
In Rachel’s fantasy, we cut to the teacher’s lounge, where Rachel puts the moves on Inbred Dermot, Inbred Dermot motions off-camera, Emma the guidance counselor enters and then…Rachel sits down nearby and starts masturbating? Huh? In Rachel’s fantasy she’s watching two of her teachers have sex while she masturbates? I can barely comprehend the levels of creep.
Aside from Rachel’s weird unnecessary presence, this sex scene is oddly sweet and traditional. The actress playing Emma is as adorable as her television counterpart, and the sex is patient and not all sloppy. I guess just try and ignore the girl aggressively masturbating behind them?
From here we move to the Nurse’s Office, where “Quinn” is recovering from a nervous breakdown regarding her pregnancy. “Finn” arrives, and together they sing a parody of “Don’t Stop Believin’” that starts with the line “I’m just a silly whore” and ends with the line “I’m too young to be a dad.” In other words, it begins as song about nasty sex and finishes as a lesson to sexually active teens. What.
The song ends, and we cut IMMEDIATELY to a shot where Quinn is taking off Finn’s pants, since they apparently haven’t listened to the second half of their own song. Instead, this happens:
Quinn: Remember when we fucked after your football game? Finn: Yeah, that’s why you’re knocked up. At least you can’t get pregnant twice.Teen pregnancy dirty talk. The. Worst. Also, mid-coitus, Finn says “Your pussy makes me want to sing,” and I can positively say that at that moment, I’ve never wanted to see anything more than these two people start singing while they have sex.
We then cut to Inbred Dermot’s office, where after what was probably hours and hours of focused concentration, he’s finally come up with a genius parody of “Don’t Stand So Close To Me.” Rachel enters just in time for them to duet. Compared to the first two songs, “Don’t Come All Over Me” is a goddamned masterpiece.
After the song we cut EVEN MORE IMMEDIATELY to a shot of Rachel already blowing Inbred Dermot. It’s like you can see the director’s growing impatience with having to include songs in his precious pornography. This scene’s okay. Andy San Dimas is a drooler.
Then (gasp!) it’s almost 3:30! Inbred Dermot finally has the setlist’s third song (and his second orgasm), so he runs to his racist Principal and rape-y nemesis and everything totally works out. The end.
I don’t know if it was the inappropriate student-teacher pairings of this porn parody, or the cheesy half-porn songs, or the genetic dysfunction of the male lead, or all these and more, but this porn parody made me acutely uncomfortable. But I will say, I watched the entire thing with a kind of morbid fascination, and for that reason, it may just be a perfect parody of Glee.
Sarah Schneider has written for Saturday Night Live and CollegeHumor. She enjoys comedy and porn, not necessarily in that order (in that order).
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